George....the Hero Read online

(George and Mum once more cast a glance at Mavis and Doreen, who smile vacantly back.)

  George: Right….I get your point.

  Mum: You’ll be fine, George. (Her voice is growing weaker) I know that you’ll make me proud of you. Pay the taxes. Save the farm. And please…..look after the boys. (She coughs gently) Goodbye love….and remember, I’m counting on you

  (Gently, her eyes close and she is still.Slowly, sadly, George and Doreen pull the bedsheet over their Mum’s face. Almost immediately, her hand appears and pulls it back down)

  Mum: (With a bit more strength) I’m not gone yet! Honestly! Can’t an old lady get a bit of rest for five minutes….(Suddenly and very finally she dies).

  (Mavis, Doreen and George look at each other, then, once more pull the sheet over her head. This time it stays there.)

  George: (Softly) I won’t let you down, mum.

  (Lights fade slowly down on them. Lester enters again)

  Lester: And so my friends, with a heavy heart

  Young George is on her travels

  The quest begins, the journey starts

  Our plot slowly unravels

  (Lights back up on George, Mavis, Doreen. George now has a staff, a small travelling bundle and carries the little bag of money that mum gave her.)

  George: (Giving instructions to the boys) Now, remember, milk the cows twice a day.

  Doreen: Yes, George.

  George: Don’t try and milk the bull - he doesn’t like it.

  Doreen: No, George

  George: Don’t forget to lock the chicken coop at night and don’t go climbing trees - you don’t want to end up like dad.

  Doreen: No, George…Yes, George….you know what I mean.

  Mavis: George?

  George: Yes, Doreen?

  Mavis: What about the bogeyman? What if he turns up at night?

  George: (Patiently) Look, I’ve explained this to you before . That bogeyman you saw?

  Mavis: Yes?

  George: It was you in a mirror…..(Mavis doesn’t look convinced) ohh…if you see him again, walk backwards - you’ll find that he does the same thing (Mavis smiles in relief) You’ll be fine. Both of you. It’s only a week’s walk to Bigg City and then I’ll be back.

  (She hugs them both. Takes a deep breath and walks off. Mavis and Doreen wave sadly until she is out of sight)

  Mavis: What you going to do now?

  Doreen: Well, I thought I might have a go at climbing that big oak tree. What about you?

  Mavis: Gonna go and sort out that bogeyman.

  Doreen: Oh well, see you at dinner.

  Mavis: See ya

  (They exit. Enter George - on her travels. She comes to a stop.)

  George: (Thinking) Let’s see. Stay on the road for a week or take the shortcut through Dragonscar woods and be there in three days. Mmmm. Good job I don’t believe in dragons. I mean, I don’t. …do I? (Thinks)…..naaaah.

  (She shrugs and sets off through the woods. As she walks, a rather fake and unconvincing bush sneaks on behind her. George stops. Shrugs and continues. A second larger bush appears. To be joined by a tree and another bush. George stops centre stage and looks behind her at the small clump of flat, unconvincing forest greenery that has suddenly appeared. )

  George: Mmmm… weird. Ever felt like you’re being followed?

  (A voice with a strange foreign accent calls out from behind the smallest bush)

  Voice: You are not being followed - please to continue on your journey!

  George: Oh…all right then. (stops) Wait a minute. (Drops her bundle and holds out her staff.) All right, come out or get walloped!

  (The bush falls over and a strange figure in a red ninja-like outfit leaps out)

  Le Moo: Who eez thees who threatens to wallop the great and terrible Le Moo? (He launches into a fake and corny laugh. He does this a lot) Hahahahahah!

  George: Who’s Le Moo?

  Le Moo: Who eez thees who does not know who is the great and terrible Le Moo - Hahahaha!

  George: Well…are you Le Moo?

  Le Moo: Who eez thees who dares to ask if the great Le Moo truly is the great Le Moo? Hahahaahah!

  George: So, you’re Le Moo, then?

  Le Moo: Yes.

  George: So what do you want with me?

  Le Moo: You have trespassed upon the lands of the great Le Moo, you must pay the penalty.

  George: Says who?

  Le Moo: Says the great and terrible Le Moo and the Red Toadstool Gang!

  (The remaining trees and bushes fall down to reveal four or five more weird looking red ninjas. They go through various martial arts manoeuvres, complete with weird little screams and shouts . They‘re mean to be threatening, they actually just look a bit daft. They end up in a posed group around Le Moo)

  George: (not impressed) Very impressive. What do you want?

  Le Moo: Who dares to ask the great Le Moo…

  George: Oh, just get on with it!

  Le Moo: Your money……we would like your money…..please.

  George: No way!

  Le Moo: (Smirking) Let me explain this to you. We are Robbers. You are a lone traveller in a dark and dangerous wood carrying ready cash. Do I need to draw you a picture of how this is going to go?

  (The gang snicker and laugh)

  George: (holding up her staff) You want it - come and get it!

  Le Moo: (Evilly) You know, I love it when they say that! Okay guys!

  Allez vous!

  (The gang surrounds George. FIGHT SEQUENCE: They attempt to rush her, but George manages to, one by one, fight them off until it is just her and Le Moo)

  Le Moo: ( looking round him at heap of injured and moaning bandits) Er ….right……erm…..let this be a warning to you, foolish traveller! Never again to cross the path of the great Le…

  George: The great Le Moo is a big Jessie who doesn’t know how to fight fair! Now get lost before I wallop you!

  Le Moo: You dare to threaten the Great Le Moo?

  George: (Throwing down her staff) Right! I’ve had enough of you! I’m going to sort you out!(She grabs Le Moo by the scruff of his

  shirt) Call yourself a bandit - I’ve seen chickens scarier than you!

  (Behind George’s back, one of Le Moo’s gang has picked up George’s staff and is sneaking up on her.)

  Le Moo: (seeing this - keeping George distracted) You will regret talking to the great Le Moo like this!

  George: Why? What you going to do? Get another fifteen of your mates to beat me up?

  Le Moo: No….just the one.

  George: Huh? (The bandit whacks George on the back of the head)

  Ow! That’s typical - wait till my back’s turned then…

  (George drops down unconscious)

  Le Moo: Quick! Grab her things and let’s get out of here!

  (The gang grab George’s bundle and moneybag. The bandit who knocked George out taps Le Moo on the shoulder)

  Bandit: Hey boss! Can I keep the stick ?

  Le Moo: No. (Snatches it off him) My gang. My stick.

  (The bandits and Le Moo run off, snickering evilly)

  (Lester appears)

  Lester: It’s round one to the bad guys

  But who says life is fair?

  Good luck often wears disguise

  And we’ve suprises still to spare….

  (Lights up on George unconscious in the middle of the wood. Birdsong and forest noises)

  (As George lies motionless a little head peeps round one of the trees. LITTLE DAVE is a baby dragon)

  (DAVE takes a few timid steps out towards George. She gives a slight moan and moves. Dave immediately scoots back to hide behind the tree. After a bit , he timidly moves out towards her again. Until he is gently nuzzling her.)

  George: (Coming to) Ooooh…..me head…….

  (slowly, painfully George sits up. Totally unaware of Dave who is quizzically watching her)

  What happened? (Remembers) Oh. That. Right, got to get going. Come on legs. Don
’t let me down when I need you.

  (Very shakily, George gets to her feet. Dave comes a bit closer and watches her, head cocked to one side)

  Where did I put my stuff?

  (She looks around herself, catches a glimpse of Dave, but doesn’t pay him any attention)

  Got to be here somewh…

  (She registers Dave and slowly turns to face him. Dave, a bit like an overexcited puppy comes up close and starts to nuzzle her leg)

  Er…..hello. Where’d you come from, then? Are you what I think you are?

  (Dave starts to jump up excitedly and do a weird little tail chasing routine.)

  Well, you’re not exactly what I expected a dragon to look like (amused) but at least someone’s pleased to see me. What’s your name then, eh?

  (Dave stops and looks blankly at her)

  Well, you’ve got to have a name, haven’t you?

  (Dave cocks his head on one side)

  I know! What about Dave? Dave the Dragon? Do you like that?

  (Dave nods his head vigorously)

  Thought you would…Now, look, it’s nice to have met you but I’ve got to get going. I’ve got a very important job to do and

  I….(sudden realisation)……oh no! The money! The Taxes! (Looks desperately around her) The farm! It’s gone! That thieving bunch of weasels! (George slumps down onto the ground) What am I going to do now? I’ve lost it! I’ve lost everything……I’ve…..I’ve…..I’ve let mum down. (George sniffles miserably) I just had to do one thing and I couldn’t even do that. I’m useless. (Dave comes over and lays his head against her leg)

  (Still miserable) Thanks Dave. It doesn’t get my money back, but thanks anyway. (murderously)If I could get my hands on that little runt Le Moo, I’d rip his…….

  (There’s a small rustle in the trees from offstage)

  Ssssh! (Whispering to Dave) What have we got here? You wait here, Dave. I’m going to see about getting my cash back.

  (George creeps silently over to the tree. She makes a sudden grab behind it and pulls out by the scruff of her shirt, not a bandit, but a small rather ragged and dirty faced child - we’ll call her SPUD)

  (She struggles furiously as George drags her out)

  All right, all right - I’m not going to hurt you.

  (She starts swinging her fists furiously, but George is able to hold her at arms length)

  Stop doing that!

  (Spud stops swinging. George lets her go)

  Right. That’s better.

  (Spud kicks George viciously in the ankle)

  Aaaah! (George grabs Spud once more. Speaking slowly, deliberately with a great deal of force) Listen, shorty. I am having a very, very bad day. Do you see my friend over there?

  (points to Dave) Well, he is a vicious, firebreathing, killer dragon..

  (Dave looks around to see who George is talking about. Realises it’s him. He jumps up and does his best to look

  scary - it’s not a complete success, but it’s enough to calm Spud down)

  If you don’t behave yourself I’m going to get him to barbecue you. All right?

  (Spud gives a fast and frightened little nod)

  All right, then.

  (George goes and sits back down despondently. Her head in her hands. After a bit, Spud sits down next to her. After a bit she puts her head in her hands as well. Dave looks at them. He slumps down, too)

  Well, this is good, isn’t it? Money down the drain. No food. Stuck in the middle of a forest with a baby dragon and…….(to Spud)…what is your name, any way?

  (Spud looks blankly)

  Don’t say much do you?

  (Spud shakes her head)

  Do you ever speak?

  (Spud shakes her head)

  Oh…..sorry.

  (Spud shrugs)

  George: I’m starving….I suppose it’s about lunch time. Except my lunch got nicked.

  (Spud has an idea. She nudges George)

  What?

  (Spud produces a single potato)

  What’s that?

  (Spud gives the potato to George.)

  Thanks…..much appreciated…oh look, you’ve got to have a name,

  everyone’s got a name. Even Dave’s Dave, so you can be….(looking at the potato) Spud! Okay?

  (Spud doesn’t look too sure)

  I’ve got two brothers at home who’d be grateful to be called Spud…

  (Spud nods “okay”)

  Great! Spud meet Dave. Dave meet Spud. (She holds up the potato) And everybody….. meet lunch.

  Enter Lester

  Lester:

  A journey starts with one small step

  And we’re well on our way

  And George must see her promise kept

  Come what dangers may.

  The friends made on a rocky road

  Are ones you’ll want to keep

  Who’ll help you lift a heavy load

  Or climb a hill that’s steep

  It’s when you’re down and out of luck

  And when you least expect it

  Just when all hope is dead and gone

  Good friends‘ll resurrect it.

  Enter George, followed by Spud and Dave. Spud is throwing a stick for Dave. Who is just looking blankly at her

  George: Right, you lot, let’s get our bearings. Bigg City’s just over the next hill. We’re nearly there. Journey’s end. You know, I’m really going to miss you two….

  (Dave and Spud hear this and look suddenly alarmed. George sees this)

  Look, I’m sorry, but I’ve got stuff to do once we get to the city. I’ve got a tax bill to pay…somehow. So, it looks like we’ll have to say ….goodbye.

  (Dave and Spud look at each other. Then each tries to out-do the other by looking as wide-eyed and pathetic as possible)

  That’s not going to work…..it just isn ‘t……

  (They both waddle pathetically over to George)

  I’m not even looking….

  (Spud and Dave are now gazing wide-eyed and pathetically up at George)

  Ohhhh…….all right then.

  (Spud hugs George. Dave does his joyful little tail-chasing

  thing)

  I’m going to regret this…

  (Suddenly, from off-stage, a loud, ear-splitting voice is heard)

  Gertrude: SOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!

  (Spud is alarmed. Dave suddenly trembles)

  George: What the heck’s that?

  Gertrude: SOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!PIGPIGPIGPIGPIGGGGGIE!!!!

  (Dave shoots offstage. Spud hides behind George)

  (There is sound of pigs oinking from offstage. A Lady in a farmer’s smock wanders on. She is carrying a staff and a large sack marked “PIGGY TREATS”. She is extremely dirty and, as we will discover, spends most of her working life around pigs)

  Gertrude: (Calling back offstage) All right, my little darlings you just rest up a bit while mummy goes and gets your breakfast acorns (Sees George and Spud) Mornin’!

  George: (Uncertainly) Morning….

  Gertrude: You needn’t look like that, me old Chucklebutties. ‘Tis only an old pig farmer, takin’ her little curly tailed darlings to market. Nothin’ to be scared of. Except the smell . Nothin’ I can do about that, I’m afraid.

  George: (Politely) That’s all right, we hadn’t even noticed the….

  (it suddenly hits her) Whoa!! That’s strong! (Spud is silently choking)

  Gertrude: (Proudly) Got a character all of it’s own hasn’t it? That’s a lifetime working in the Pig biz that is. (holds out her hand) Gertrude’s the name. Better known as Crazy Gertrude of Crazy Gertrude’s Used Pigs.

  George: (Shaking her hand -trying not to get too close)

  Crazy?

  Gertrude: Don’t worry, me darlin’. It’s only a sales gimmick - I ain’t really crazy (She laughs loudly and crazily). And who might you be?

  George: I’m George. I’m on my way to Bigg city for Taxing day. This is Spud (Spud has her nose tightly pin
ched shut - but waves) And this is…..(looks round for Dave - he’s not there) …..where’s Dave?

  (Spud hunts round, wandering off stage, looking for Dave)

  Gertrude: (Wandering round, picking up acorns) Bigg City eh? On me way there meself. You can have a lift in the cart if you want.

  George: Oh…thanks, that’d be great

  (Spud wanders back on - shaking his head)

  George: No sign of him? (George takes Spud to one side) Look, Spud, perhaps it’s for the best, I don’t think a city’d be the best place for Dave. This is his home.

  (Spud looks a bit choked but nods)

  Gertrude: (Tying off her sack of Piggy Treats) All right, me old handsomes, time to hit the road. You can sit up front with me or in the back with the pig droppings.

  (Another wave of Gertrude’s powerful odour wafts over George and Spud)

  George: (Trying not to gag) Er…..might be a bit more room in the

  back. Thanks.

  Gertrude: All righty! Bigg City here we come!

  (They freeze in place. Lester appears. He has acquired a guitar from somewhere. He sings)

  My City isn’t Paris, My City isn’t Rome

  My City isn’t London

  But what the heck, it’s home

  My City may be crummy

  To the ultimate degree

  But my city’s still my city

  And that’s good enough for me

  (As he sings - the people of Bigg city enter and freeze)

  Bigg City, Bigg City,

  My home town paradise

  Bigg City, Bigg City

  So Good they named it twice

  Where every single springtime

  You’ll smell blossom on the trees

  And every single night a hint

  of sewage on the breeze!

  The song Stops.

  George, Spud and Gertrude are now surrounded by a frozen tableau of a busy street full of Bigg City folk, including market traders, sentries, a town crier, a few beggars, Winifred (trying to give out her leaflets) They are, for the moment, all frozen.

  George: So this is Bigg City? I was expecting something a bit livelier.

  Gertrude: Oh, you just wait me darlin’, it isn’t Rush Hour yet.

  George: Why, what happens then?

  (A Herald - Harold , with a handbell and banner unfreezes)

  Harold : (Ringing the bell) Hear ye! Hear Ye!………..

  ….Congestion charge now in force……it’s Rush Hour !!!

  (The scene instantly springs loudly and noisily to life, Spud and George are jostled, trampled and pushed around.)

  Lester: (Starting up his song again)

  Welcome to our city, feel the

  Big Bigg city vibe

  We like a fresh new face

  And how we like a fresh new bribe

  We’re friendly and we’re welcoming

  Of that there is no doubt

  We’re glad you came to town

  But there’s a charge to let you out!

  Gertrude: This busy enough for you, me old darlin’?

  George: Yeah, plenty.

  Gertrude: Well, I’m going to get off market, now, you take care of yourself, you hear. Bigg City’s a bit of a shock, if you’re from out of town.

  George: See you then, Gertrude. And thanks.

  Gertrude wanders off in search of a buyer for her pigs.

  Harold: (Ringing his bell and shouting out the latest news) Hear ye! Hear ye! The morning news from the BCBC (Bigg City Broadcasting Company) with me, Harold the Herald. Good morning.

  Another farmhouse goes up in flames. Are dragons to blame?

  Baroness Bertha Bigg visits the site “She’s a warm and wonderful human being” say survivors.

  Small squirrel drops out of tree and is slightly hurt. Baroness Bigg visits squirrel. “She’s a warm and wonderful human being” says Squirrel.

  Fifteen percent increase in taxes announced just in time for Taxing day. Baroness Bertha says “It’s because I’m worth it”.

  Tapestries of these and other stories available in the twelve o’clock bulletin, in the meantime……weather and sport.

  (He flips round his banner to show a weather map)

  (As Harold’s voice fades, a number of market traders come forward to shout out their wares)

  Brenda (1st Trader): Potatoes! Mouldy potatoes! All the added goodness of mould and grit! They’re loverly!

  Nora (2nd Trader): Apple cores! Get your apple cores! Buy three and I’ll throw in the pips!

  Vera (3rd Trader): Rats! Dead Rats! Ideal for rat soup, rat pie, rat sorbet, ratatouille and ……..rat Kebab! (She produces a kebabed rat)

  Glenys (4th Trader): Nothing! I’ve got absolutely nothing! Zip, Zilch, nada! Come and get it while stocks last!

  George: This is the worst market I’ve ever seen. I thought Bigg City was supposed to be really sophisticated.

  Glenys: Listen, kid, you try earning a living round here, see how you like it!

  Brenda: Yeah, you tell ‘er Glend! Flipping tourist! You got any idea how much tax we have to pay to her high and mightiness up in the castle?

  Vera: Oh, don’t get nasty with the kid! Don’t mind them, love. It’s taxing day today- everyone’s a bit……..ratty (points at her tray full of rats) ratty…..geddit? (She laughs half-heartedly)

  Nora: You’re right, darlin’ Bigg City did used to be sophisticated.

  Vera: (Sadly) Used to be swinging round here

  Glenys: The city that never slept..

  Brenda: The Big Apple…..

  Nora: Now look at us…

  Vera: Skint…

  Glenys: Starvin’

  Brenda: Little better than beggars…

  Nora: And just look at what’s happened to the beggars…

  A Beggar: Have some pity, kind people! Spare a copper for a poor

  destitute beggar. (reveals a sign saying “CLOSING DOWN SALE”) Come on now, you’ve only got till the end of the week….

  Nora: See? When even the beggars are going out of business, you know the economy’s in trouble

  George: So what happened? Why’s everyone so poor?

  Brenda: Well, I suppose I could sum it all up in one word…..

  George: What word?

  Everyone: TAX!

  (Everyone freezes)

  Enter Lester

  Lester:Now, I can explain the taxation system of Bigg City in one of two ways. Either in the form of a detailed lecture (He produces a flip chart with a lot of complex facts and figures on it) or a song….

  So let’s have the lecture. (He puts on a pair of glasses)

  All citizens of Bigg City pay a basic rate of 36% of per capita

  Income. In which income is calculated as those sums of which may or may not be classed as taxable income………..what?

  (Sighs)

  All right, I’ll get me guitar. (Grumbling as he goes to get it) They never let me do the lecture…..

  (He starts the song)

  Lester:

  Every April there’s a special day

  A magic moment in the year

  You couldn’t say it was a holiday

  ‘Cos you end up poorer than you were.

  All the people gather in the market place

  With every penny that they’ve got.

  Then Mister Tax Collector shows his face

  And pockets the perishing lot!

  (The scene bursts into life as the people join in the song. Spud and George watch bemusedly)

  All:

  Taxing day, taxing day

  A very, very far from relaxing day

  Tax to calculate, tax to pay

  When they pinch my pennies on taxing day

  Brenda: (explaining to George and Spud)

  There’s a tax on coffee, there’s a tax on tea

  Nora:

  There’s a tax on you

  Vera:

  there’s a tax on me

  Glenys:

 
There’s a tax on every little thing you’ve got

  Beggar:

  They’ve even put a tax on you know what!

  All:

  Taxing day, taxing day

  Pick me up and take me far away!

  Tell the taxman I’m on holiday

  And I won’t be back for Taxing day

  (The lines are split among the various cast members. As They sing, boogey and explain things to George and Spud)

  There’s a tax on windows, there’s a tax on doors

  There’s a tax on ceilings and a tax on floors

  There’s a tax on tables and a tax on chairs,

  There’s a tax on the size of your derriere!

  ALL: (Spud and George joining in)

  Taxing day, taxing day

  Ban and bin it without delay!

  The human race would be A-okay

  In a world that didn’t have taxing day

  Brenda (with a bottle):

  There’s a tax on whisky there’s a tax on beer

  Glenys:

  There’s a tax on the taxes that you paid last year

  Nora & Vera (Doing a very dodgy harmony):

  They tax you triple when you sing the blues..

  Beggar (Doing an Elvis):

  They even put a tax on my blue suede shoes!

  All: (In full all singing and dancing production number mode. Lester has acquired a pair of maracas from somewhere )

  Taxing day, taxing day

  Totally terrible taxing day!

  All my days I will sing in praise

  Of the someone who saves me from taxing day!

  Taxing day, taxing day

  Pick me up and take me far away!

  Tell the taxman I’m on holiday

  Group 1:And I won’t be back……

  Group 2:Won’t be back….

  Group 3:Won’t be back….

  ALL: For Taxing day……………

  …………….What a day!

  (As the song finishes and the crowd disperses. A young woman, WINIFRED, is seen hanging around, giving out leaflets, nobody takes any, in fact, she gets rather rudely jostled by some of the crowd as they move off.)

  Winifred: Save the dragons……..take a leaflet?……..protect our endangered species…….save the dragon…

  George and Spud wander curiously over to her.

  Winfred: (offering a leaflet) Save the dragon?

  George: What d’you mean, save the dragon?

  Winfred: (Getting onto her favourite subject) I mean that the dragon is our most endangered mythical beast. There is a whole tide of Anti-Dragon hysteria sweeping through our land…

  George: Is there?

  Winifred: Too right! Every time there’s a cottage fire or a haystack goes up in flames round here, who d’you think gets the blame?

  George: Dragons, right?

  Winifred: Right!

  George: Has anyone round here actually ever seen a dragon start a fire?

  Winifred: No, of course not!

  George: Has anyone round here actually ever seen a dragon?

  Winifred: Not sure…..don’t think so.

  George: Let me put this another way…….have you ever seen a dragon.

  Winifred: Oh yeah, I’ve seen….loads ….of…..illustrations of dragons….very, very detailed pictures of them…. in all their dragonness……

  George: You‘ve never seen a dragon, have you?

  Winifred: (getting fed up) Look, just take a leaflet will you, I’m very busy!

  George: Oh….right…..come on then, Spud, looks like this lady doesn’t want to hear about the dragon we saw in the wood, let’s just leave her alone to look at her illustrations..

  (Spud and George start to leave. Winfred hurries after them and stops them)

  Winifred: Hang on! What did you say?

  George: I’m saying we actually saw one in the woods.

  Winifred: Yeah..sure (She looks at them) You’re not joking, are you? (Getting excited) Oh crikey! This is amazing! You’ve got to tell me all about it.

  George: Well…what d’you want to know?

  Winfred: How big?

  (Spud, like a fisherman, mimes “that big”)

  Winifred: Sounds like a stage one. What colour?

  George: Well….red.

  Winifred: A stage one Red Flameback. Wow…. It‘s Thousands of years since the last one was seen!

  George: How d’you know so much about it?

  Winfred: (Producing an old battered book from under her leaflets) From this….Old Fizzlers Almanac of Dragons……it’s the standard work on all things…..dragony.

  George: (Taking the book) Where did you get this from? (passes the book to Spud, who starts leafing through it)

  Winifred: From my Auntie Grizelda - she was a wise woman.

  George: You mean a witch ?

  Winfred: (Very definitely) No! I mean a wise woman! Only ignorant layabouts from Bigg City use the word witch!

  (Spud tugs George’s sleeve and points at a picture in the book)

  George: Hey! That’s Dave! That’s our Dragon!

  Winifred: I told you….a Red Flameback in the primary stage.

  George: Wow! Look….who are you, anyway?

  Winfred: (Mysteriously) They call me Winifred the Wise.

  George: Who does?

  Winifred: oh, you, know…..they do….people.

  George: What people?

  Winifred: Me. I do. I’m people.

  George: Whatever…..look, Winifred, I’m George and this is Spud. What else can you tell us about…..

  (A fanfare sounds. The people start hurrying back on.)

  Winifred: Sorry, it’ll have to wait. They’re starting the Tax-gathering. And I don’t pay tax on principle.

  George: What principle?

  Winifred: Haven’t got any money. I’ll catch up with you later, okay?

  (Winifred scurries quickly off . The people of Bigg City, each

  carrying a small moneybag form a long diagonal queue. At the same time, the guards bring on a small table and stool. Next to it is a large wooden chest, used for depositing money. A mild-mannered, bespectacled little figure carrying a large ledger wanders on and Sits at the table. This is Squidley, the Chancellor of Bigg City.)

  Guard 1: (Calling out) Citizens of Bigg City, let the Taxing begin!

  (The first one is Nora)

  Squidley: (Politely) Good morning. Name please?

  Nora: Pippin. Nora Pippin.

  Squidley: And your trade?

  Nora: Apple Cores.

  Squidley: Good. And how much did you make this year?

  Nora: Six shillings, eight pence two farthings.

  Squidley: So that’s tax owing of Six shillings, eight pence and one farthing.

  Nora: (Breathing a sigh of relief) Oh well…at least I’ve got a farthing to get me through the winter..

  Squidley: Plus one Farthing administrative costs. In the chest please.

  (Miserably, Nora dumps her cash into the money chest)

  (Next in the Queue is Gertrude)

  Squidley: Next please…(He gets a whiff of Gertrude)….oh dear.

  Gertrude: Mornin’ me old Scrungebucket. The names Fazackerly, Gertrude Fazackerly. Owner and Sole proprietor of Crazy Gertrude’s Used Pigs. Or as we calls ‘em “Porkers With Personality”! And this year, me old love, I made thirty six shillings, three pence three farthings.

  Squiudley: Very good. In the chest, please.

  Gertrude: Here’s your thirty six shillings and three pence

  (Dumps her money in the chest.)

  Squidley: And the three farthings?

  Gertrude: Well now, darlin’ will you accept trade goods in exchange?

  Squidley: Oh….I’m not sure….well…just this once.

  Gertrude: All righty then (She plops a small bag on the table)

  There you are.

  Squidley: What’s that?

  Gertrude: That’s three farthings worth of prime qua
lity pig droppings or “ the manure of the gods” as we call it. Do wonders for your rhubarb. Cheerio.

  Squidley: Erm……next….please?

  (Spud and George have been pushed to the back of the queue)

  George: This is hopeless! We’re going to be here all day! (Gets an idea) Spud, can you cry?

  (Spud looks suspiciously at him.)

  George: Well, just try it!

  (Spud screws up her face and gives a silent imitation of a child weeping)

  George: It’ll have to do. Okay then …..here goes!

  (George starts pushing her way through to the front of the queue holding a “weeping” Spud by the hand.)

  George: ‘scuse me! Lost child coming through….now where did you last see mummy?

  (Spud points towards the front of the queue.)

  George: (Pushing her way through to Squidley’s desk) Thank

  you…(To Squidley) Hi!

  Squidley: Morning. Name?

  George: George.

  Squidley: Address?

  George: Clover Top Farm, Edge of DragonScar Woods.

  Squidley: (Looking up George’s details in the Ledger) Ah..here we are. Well, according to our records, you only have to make a final payment of Four shillings and sixpence.

  George: Yes…..that’s right.

  Squidley: Well….would you like to make your payment please?

  George: Yeah, sure….

  Squidley: Now?

  George: Well….bit of a problem there…….it’s quite an interesting story actually……what happened was this….

  (A fanfare sounds. The Guards click to attention. Squidley stands up. PLANK, the personal bodyguard of Baroness Bertha enters. He is a medieval version of a secret service bodyguard. He wears shades. He has his finger in his ear. He gives the whole of the market square a look before nodding offstage)

  George: What’s happening?

  (Baroness Bertha Bigg enters. She is very glamorously dressed and waves regally to the people in the square. They bow and curtsey back)

  Bertha: Greetings, greetings my people. Your beloved Baroness greets you one and all on this gloriously sunny taxing day!

  Let the coffers be filled with the hard earned pennies of a grateful people.

  (She moves down the queue shaking hands, in the manner of a Royal visit)

  George: (To Squidley) Who’s that?

  Squidley: (Amazed) You really don’t know? That’s Baroness Bertha

  Bigg. Ruler of Bigg City.

  George: You mean she’s in charge?

  Squidley: Of course.

  George: Right! (George walks across to her) Erm….excuse me.(Plank moves to intercept her)

  Bertha: Yes?

  George: I was wondering, your Fabulousness, if I could possibly have a quick word.

  Bertha: (looking around her at the watching crowd, wanting to make a good impression) Of course, my door is always open to my beloved subjects…..even if they are rather poor and smelly.

  George: Well…..ma’am…..it’s like this. I’ve travelled all the way from home to pay the taxes on our family farm.

  Bertha: How marvellous!

  George: But, you see, before I could get here, my money was stolen.

  Bertha: How Awful!

  George: Yeah…I got ambushed by bandits and they stole all my things.

  Bertha: How Ghastly!

  George: Including my tax money. So now I can’t pay my taxes!

  Bertha: How…….does this affect me? I don’t get it, sorry.

  George: I can’t pay my taxes! You do understand, don’t you?

  Bertha: (Sympathetically) Of course. It must be a very trying

  time for you. Perhaps this will help. Squidley…..

  (Squidley hands Bertha a small pamphlet)

  Bertha: (Handing the pamphlet to George) I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

  (She moves regally away, waving)

  George: (looks at the pamphlet) Hang on! What’s this? “Coping with Homelessness”. I’m not homeless. I’ve got a home. I just don’t have my tax money.

  Bertha: (Sighing deeply) Now….look……peasant. I’ve tried to be supportive. I really don’t know what else I could do.

  George: You could not make me homeless for a start!

  Bertha: (Crossing to Squidley) How much does she owe?

  Squidley: Four shillings and sixpence.

  Bertha: Is that all? I could easily let you off .

  George: (Relieved) Thanks….

  Bertha: But I’m not going to.

  Squidley: It’s not the money you see, it’s the principal of the thing.

  Bertha: No, Squidley, it’s not the principal of the thing, it is the money! Which you don’t have - so bye bye to nice warm housey! Hello damp gutter in Bigg City!

  George: (Getting angry) You mean to say you’d really take away my home over four shillings

  Squidley: …and sixpence.

  Bertha: Yes….and I’d be smiling while I did it.

  (Bertha, followed by Plank exits smiling and waving)

  George: (Furious) That’s NOT FAIR! (Sees the bag on Squidley’s table) If the money means so much to you, you can have this lot as well!

  (She hurls the bag off stage, after Bertha. There is a distant “YECCH!”. A moment later, Bertha enters. Her face smeared with the contents of the bag - three farthings worth of quality pig poo)

  Bertha: (Screaming) BODYGUARD!

  (Plank is on, sees Bertha, and , in true secret service style, knocks her to the ground and lies flat on top of her, the two guards advance on George. Spud leaps in between them, stamps viciously on one Guards foot, delivers a running head butt to the stomach of the second guard and on the way back, stamps on the other guard’s other foot. He grabs George’s hand and they exit speedily. In the confusion, the not-so willing taxpayers start to sneak silently off-stage.

  Bertha: (struggling to her feet, still smeared with poo, all dignity gone, screaming) AND WHERE DO YOU LOT THINK YOU’RE GOING!?!(They slink miserably back into line. Bertha storms off)

  Squidley: (As if nothing had happened) Erm…….next?